Never say no to a woman wielding a cactus (one-shot)
by vala411
Summary: (Modern AU) oneshot... Never mess with cacti and the woman wielding them. Just never...
1. Chapter 1

**Never say no to a woman wielding a cactus**

"Come on Hiccup!" Fishlegs pleaded on a warm and sunny afternoon. The pair was walking through the city just to relax after a tiring work week.

"No Fish! Just NO!" Hiccup adamantly exclaimed. "I am not going through that again."

"It's just speed dating Hiccup." Fishlegs mumbled. "You need to get out more."

"Oh my Thor! You are sounding like my parents! Did you forget what happened the last three times that I went with you to one of those things?" He asked while shuddering.

"It…..wasn't so bad." Fishlegs mumbled and took a step back at the glare that his friend sent his way.

"Fishlegs, the cops were called the first time. The insane asylum the second." Hiccup muttered. "Let's not forget the traumatized sheep and yak that animal control had to remove the last time."

"Okay…. It was bad." Fishlegs mumbled. "But that shouldn't stop you from going out. At least try one more time. Fourth time's the charm." The chubby man laughed nervously.

Hiccup raised a brow. "Don't you mean third time?"

Fishlegs let out a nervous laugh as Hiccup continued babbling. "I mean honestly Fish. I get that you guys want to set me up and all. Especially after the whole Tiffany thing." They stopped as Hiccup gave his friend a serious look. "I'm going to be fine Fishlegs and I'm sure I'll meet the one someday. But it's not like it's raining women."

Just then there was a shout from above. Hiccup tried to look up but something fell on him a split second later. "ACK" Hiccup gasped as he was crushed by the object that fell on him. Said object seemed to be moving and he realized that it was a person. A very beautiful woman. A very beautiful woman who was threatening three people with a potted cactus plant.

"Don't you dare come any closer Snotlout!" She shouted at three people. Two stood on the fire escape. Fishlegs helped Hiccup up and they stared at the scene. A woman, looking exasperated, was leaning out of an apartment window while shouting for the two men to get the cactus wielding woman. The men started to descent the fire escape when the woman grabbed Hiccup and held the cactus to his throat.

"Stop! I mean it! One more move and he gets it!" She shouted and several eyes turned to stare at her incredulously. "Heather call off your goons!"

"Are you actually serious Astrid?" The woman, Heather, leaning out of the window asked. Hiccup really wanted to know that as well. It wasn't everyday that he was threatened with a cactus.

But Astrid paid Hiccup no mind. He heard her shout "Snotlout, Eret are you guys really going to risk it? You know what I can do with a cactus."

The two men stopped halfway down the ladder, paling a bit as if they remembered something unpleasant. Astrid then took her chance. She proceeded to swiftly drag Hiccup to a mini cooper parked nearby.

"Hey what?!" Hiccup asked confused as she unlocked the car, and shoved him inside.

"I'll explain later!" she quickly said as she opened the driver's side door, shoved the cactus into Hiccup's arms, started the car and hightailed it out of there leaving Fishlegs, Heather, Snotlout and Eret to stare at the empty parking spot with incredulity.

"What just happened?!" Fishlegs shouted as he watched the blond woman kidnap his friend at cactus point.

Meanwhile Hiccup was wondering the same thing as he stared at the potted cactus on his lap and then at the blond woman behind the wheel. She was driving with determination and only once they were further away did she start to relax.

"So…. hello, I'm Hiccup Haddock. Nice to meet you. Why am I here? What's with the cactus?" Hiccup asked finally.

Astrid's head whipped to the right and her eyes widened. It was then that realization hit her. She had just kidnapped a complete stranger….. With a cactus. "Oh Thor! I'm so sorry!" She exclaimed. "I didn't mean to kidnap you! Oh Thor!"

"Let's just take a deep breath." Hiccup told her. They were now coming up to the freeway when Astrid spoke again.

"I'm… Astrid Hofferson." She introduced and Hiccup's eyes widened as he recognized that name. "Sorry for dragging you into that situation." She apologized.

"Wait…. You're Astrid Hofferson. As in the Mystery writer Astrid Hofferson?" Hiccup asked. "My mother loves your books. My dad secretly does too."

"Eh...yeah" Astrid said as he cheeks tinged pink for a bit. "I had to get away for a bit." Hiccup looked at her questioningly.

"So…." He mumbled. "Just what happened?"

Astrid let out a sigh. "The woman ordering those two guys around is Heather. She's my editor and I might have been a bit behind on some of the drafts."

Hiccup just blinked as he stared at Astrid. "Her two goons Snotlout and Eret are her personal assistants. She usually brings them when she wants work done."

"And the cactus? How does that fit in?"

"That's Stormfly. My trusty cactus which has gotten me out of deadlines before." Astrid stated sincerely. This caused Hiccup to let out a guffaw.

"Wait you named your cactus?!" He laughed as Astrid rolled her eyes. "And people thought me naming my ferret Toothless was weird!"

"You named a ferret Toothless?" Astrid asked as her lips curved upwards.

"Yup" Hiccup told her. "Say why don't we get something to eat?"

Astrid thought about it for a moment when her stomach answered for her with a loud growl. She blushed again and then mumbled "Sure, and I know just the place."

Astrid took the next exit and drove to the waterfront. She stopped at a posh looking restaurant. "Best clams in the city." She told Hiccup as they got out. Astrid took her cactus with her before locking the car.

"Astrid are you sure this is alright?" Hiccup asked as he looked at the five star restaurant and then at their clothes. His t-shirt wasn't made for these places.

"Don't worry. They know me here." She said and then winked. "And it's my treat for… well… kidnapping you." She, with cactus under one arm, took Hiccup by the hand and tugged him to the entrance.

Hiccup blushed a bit when she took his hand. They entered and the host quickly approached them. "Good afternoon Ms. Hofferson. I see you've brought a friend. Your usual table?"

"Of course Simon." Astrid told the host who didn't even bat an eye at what they were wearing or the large green cactus that Astrid was carrying. "Right this way please. Carrie will be with you shortly."

The restaurant was full but they were lead to a corner table which had a reserved sign on it. When the host left Hiccup turned to Astrid as she set the cactus down. He looked at her incredulously.

She laughed upon seeing that look and then told Hiccup "I'm the silent partner with the owners of this business. I always have a table here."

Their waitress, Carrie, arrived soon and they were handed their menu. She smiled at Hiccup before winking at Astrid and telling them she's be back to take their orders in a while.

Astrid let out a groan which grabbed Hiccup's attention. He put down the menu which had bold gold lettering reading 'A la twins'. "They probably think that we're on a date." She mumbled.

"Uhm….. okay?"

"If they think I'm on a date then the twins, aka the menaces from hell, will hear about this in a few minutes." Astrid groaned. "Those two have been trying to get me to go out on dates for a while now."

"And you don't date because?" Hiccup asked quietly.

"I'm finishing up my new book and I dumped my last boyfriend when he said I was paying too much attention to my silly writing instead of him." Astrid grumbled.

"Well that was pretty rude." Hiccup commented. "You could do so much better."

Astrid nodded and then asked "So I hope your girlfriend doesn't mind you coming here with me."

"I don't have a girlfriend anymore. I kinda got dumped." Hiccup said rather quietly.

Astrid was about to ask when Carrie came back to take their orders. Once the waitress left with their orders Astrid turned her attention back to Hiccup. "Who would dump a guy like you? You seem pretty sweet."

Hiccup's cheeks tinged pink and he quickly changed the subject. "So what made you become a writer?"

"Because kidnapping people and forcing them to act out your make-believe worlds is technically illegal." Astrid said without missing a beat. Hiccup just sat there and blinked at her.

"Are you serious?" He asked while quirking a brow.

"I was joking!" Astrid laughed upon seeing Hiccup so sceptical.

"Well you did kidnap me. Just making sure." He told her which earned him a playful punch.

"I've wanted to write since I was a kid. I wanted to see the happy faces of my readers when they picked up my stories. But seriously Hiccup. Why would someone dump a sweet guy like you?" Astrid asked with all sincerity.

"Well because all of this." he gestured.

"You just gestured to all of you." Astrid mumbled not quite getting it.

"Yeah that's pretty much it." Hiccup told Astrid as she looked at him disbelievingly. "Tiffany dumped me for another guy just because I got into an accident and lost part of my leg."

Astrid blinked and then she blinked again wordlessly. Hiccup thought that he might have broken her and waved a hand in front of her face. Astrid snapped out of her thoughts when Hiccup poked her. "The nerve of that woman!" Astrid growled. She might not know the woman but she hated her already.

"She sounds like a bloody harpy in my opinion."

They changed the topics to something more funny as the food arrived. Hiccup was telling Astrid about the speed dating fiascos causing her to nearly choke on one shrimps she was eating.

"That poor yak!" Astrid laughed as she took a sip from her wine glass.

"I know." Hiccup laughed.

After thirty minutes they were done with the main course and Carrie brought them each a large plate of tiramisu. "The twins say hi." Carrie laughed as she relayed the message.

Astrid's eye twitched as she turned her head around to see two familiar heads try, but fail, to hide behind the bar.

"Want to have some fun with them?" Hiccup asked as a mischievous smirk donned his face. Astrid raised a brow when he took a spoonful of the tiramisu and held it out for her. She caught on and grinned as she took the offered bite.

They could suddenly hear a girlish shriek from the bar followed by "Tuffnut shut up!"

Astrid couldn't help but giggle. It felt good to mess with the twins. They kept up the act and when they were done they noticed Simon carrying an empty pitcher and two wet shivering blond twins.

"Enjoyed the show Ruffnut, Tuffnut?" Astrid laughed as they made their way out. They left the twins openmouthed.

Hiccup held Astrid's cactus again as she gave him a ride back to his apartment. It was Hiccup who frowned when he saw who was waiting in front of his apartment building.

Hiccup stepped out of Astrid's mini cooper and confronted the woman who had been leaning against a red convertible. "Tiffany what are you doing here?" He asked incredulously.

The woman upon seeing Hiccup had a look of annoyance on her face. "Where were you?! Didn't you see my calls?"

"Tiffany why exactly are you here?" Hiccup sighed. He was glad that he had blocked her. Not so glad however that she had dropped by for Thor knows what reason. Astrid was watching from her car and pursed her lips.

"Why I'm here for you to take me back of course." Tiffany told him. Hiccup stared at his ex as if she had grown another head.

"You dumped me remember." Hiccup reminded her. "For some bodybuilder. Why in the Nine realms would I take you back."

"He apparently had a boyfriend." Tiffany muttered as she crossed her arms. "And you and I had a good thing going so I thought…."

"So you thought that I would take you back just like that?" Hiccup now started laughing.

"I'm the best thing that you had Hiccup!" Tiffany now growled as her eyebrow twitched. This caused Hiccup to laugh even harder. Tiffany was getting mad and then shouted "Listen you cripple do you really think another woman would look at you?!"

It was then that Astrid acted. She knew Hiccup could take care of himself but this woman didn't sit well with her. She grabbed her cactus and placed it on the hood of her car before grabbing Hiccup, who looked hurt by his ex's words, and pulling him down for a steamy kiss.

Astrid smirked when they came up for air as she took in Tiffany's gobsmacked expression. She gave Hiccup a quick peck on the cheek before grabbing her cactus and turning to Tiffany.

"Now see here." She told the woman while pointing the cactus at her. "Hiccup here has already moved on from a disgusting flea like you. Now I suggest you step off and get back into that car of yours and stop bothering my man."

"Or what" Tiffany growled.

Astrid let out a sigh. "Fine it's the hard way then girlie."

Hiccup stared wide-eyed as he found out exactly what Astrid could do with that cactus of hers. It was safe to say that Tiffany wouldn't be coming around after THAT. Once his ex sped off he turned to Astrid who had a satisfied look on her face.

"So….. your man?" He teasingly asked. Astrid did a perfect impression of a tomato as she mumbled "If you want to go on a date that is?"

"Sure. I don't think I can say no to a woman wielding a cactus." Hiccup told her. Astrid couldn't take it anymore and broke out in a fit of giggles.

 **-THE END-**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Heloooooo. So I've had cacti on the brain for a bit and decided to make this into a twoshot since y'all liked it so much. Enjoy ;)**

 **No honey! Put the cactus down!**

 _(Previously on 'Never say no to a woman wielding a cactus')_

 _Hiccup stared wide-eyed as he found out exactly what Astrid could do with that cactus of hers. It was safe to say that Tiffany wouldn't be coming around after THAT. Once his ex sped off he turned to Astrid who had a satisfied look on her face._

" _So….. your man?" He teasingly asked. Astrid did a perfect impression of a tomato as she mumbled "If you want to go on a date that is?"_

" _Sure. I don't think I can say no to a woman wielding a cactus." Hiccup told her. Astrid couldn't take it anymore and broke out in a fit of giggles._

 **(1 year later)**

Hiccup yawned and then covered his head with his pillow while shuffling further into his warm blanket. He tried to ignore the racket his alarm clock was making. Suddenly there was something jumping and squirming on his head. He knew there would be no more sleeping now.

"Hold on Toothless." Hiccup yawned as he sleepily hit his alarm and gave his attention to his black ferret who was now squirming in his lap. "Yeah yeah. I'll get you your food." He said as he draped Toothless over his neck and made his way to the kitchen. The ferret snuggled closer, slightly tickling Hiccup.

Hiccup poured himself a cup of coffee and some cereal after giving Toothless his meat. He sat on the island counter and mentally catalogued which cacti needed watering today. A lot of things had changed in the year he'd known Astrid.

They started dating after the Tiffany incident and Hiccup couldn't have been happier. Six months into the relationship they moved in together. There were some fights he mused, like him forgetting to put the toilet seat back down or him accidentally sitting on one of Astrid's many cacti. Or the one where Astrid burned a hole in his favorite pot. But things were going great.

His phone rang while he was eating his cereal. At first Hiccup thought it was Astrid calling but the caller id showed that it was his father.

"Morning dad." Hiccup greeted as he held the phone to his ear.

"Morning son" He heard from the other end of the line. "Your mom and I were wondering if you'd be dropping by tonight for dinner."

"Yes I'll drop by to see you guys." Hiccup told his dad. "Wait…. Mom isn't cooking this time is she?"

"No NO son!" His father immediately reassured. "I think we all learned our lesson after the flying chicken and gazebo fire."

Hiccup nodded and then he slapped himself as he forgot that his father couldn't see him through the phone. He was going to say something else when he felt hands go over his eyes.

"Wha!" Hiccup shouted in shock.

"Son are you alright?"

"Just fine dad!" He quickly said in the receiver as a smirk appeared on his face. "I'll see you guys tonight." They said their goodbyes and Hiccup spun around when the call ended and grabbed his girlfriend by the waist before giving her a kiss on the lips.

"What are you doing here?" Hiccup asked. "I thought your book tour ended tomorrow."

"Surprise!" Astrid laughed as she wound her arms around his neck and leaned in. "I know we've been together for a year now and you wanted to tell your parents about us earlier but then there was the whole thing with the tour. I figured since you go over there each saturday I'd come with you tonight."

"What a surprise indeed." Hiccup laughed. "They'd be thrilled to meet you."

"I really hope so. I even got a surprise for your parents." Astrid told him.

"You just like to make me curious huh?" Hiccup asked playfully.

"And you'll just have to wait." Astrid smirked as she took out her cactus from her bag and placed it on the counter.

"It still surprises me that you take Stormfly with you wherever you go."

"Lucky cactus Hiccup." Astrid giggled. She then pulled her boyfriend closer. "So it's saturday morning and we're free till tonight."

"Hmmm, what are you suggesting?" Hiccup hummed as he gave her another kiss.

"Why don't you follow me and find out." She winked before heading into their bedroom.

"You know I can never say no to you baby." Hiccup laughed as he followed behind Astrid.

That night Hiccup and Astrid found themselves parked in front of his parent's house. Astrid was fidgeting with her purse out of nervousness.

"Astrid relax. They'll love you." Hiccup told her as he took her hand and gave her a kiss. "You look beautiful tonight." He said as he checked out the black one shoulder mini dress she had slipped on.

"Oh hush you sweet talker." Astrid laughed as she playfully punched Hiccup. They got out of the car and made their way to the front porch where Hiccup rang the doorbell. The door opened and revealed the big frame of Hiccup's father.

"Evening dad!" Hiccup greeted as his father gave him a big hug.

"Evening son!" He was greeted in return. That was when his dad noticed Astrid standing next to Hiccup. "Son who is this?"

"Right dad. It's time I introduced you two. Dad, this is my girlfriend for the past year Astrid Hofferson. Astrid, this is my dad, Stoick Haddock."

Stoick's bushy eyebrows shot up at the words girlfriend and year and with a nervous laugh He shook Astrid's hand. "Pleasure to meet you Astrid." He said as he held the door open to let them inside.

"Valka is going to kill me." He said under his breath.

"Did you say something dad?"

"No, nothing son!" Stoick quickly mumbled as he led them to the living room. "Valka! Hiccup's here and he brought a guest!" His father shouted before quickly running upstairs while mumbling to himself "I'm so dead."

After a minute Valka raced downstairs followed by Stoick. "Hiccup honey!" She greeted and squished him against her.

"MOM!" Hiccup gasped. "Can't breathe."

"Oh right. Sorry Hiccup." She laughed as her baby caught his breath.

"Mom, I'd like you to meet Astrid Hofferson, my girlfriend. Astrid, this is my mom Valka." Hiccup introduced.

"Astrid Hofferson as in the best selling mystery writer Astrid Hofferson?!" Valka gasped as she looked between Hiccup and Astrid.

"Pleasure to meet you Mrs. Haddock." Astrid greeted as they shook hands. "I've brought a little gift with me for you." She said as she handed Valka the package that she told Hiccup was a surprise.

Valka opened the package and giggled when she pulled out a cactus with a pink flower on top. "Such a lovely cactus!" She exclaimed as Stoick gave his son a weird look.

Hiccup shrugged, already used to his girlfriend and her cacti. "I found this one during my book tour and thought you'd love it. Hiccup mentioned that you like plants a lot."

"It's adorable!" Valka stated as she placed it on one of her counters. "I think I shall call this one Cloudjumper."

"Mom names her plants now too?" Hiccup discreetly asked to which his father nodded.

They went into the dining room and Hiccup let out a happy sigh as his mother and his girlfriend seem to be getting along. They had been talking for a few minutes, with Astrid telling her about Stormfly, when the doorbell rang.

"That must be the Mckinney's" Valka stated as she gave her husband a glare.

"Right….eh.. I'll just go answer the door." Stoick stated as he made his way to the front door.

"We having guests mom?" Hiccup asked confused by the glare.

"Oh it was just your father's plan to set you up with someone." His mother stated as she crossed her arms. "I told that man not to do it, but does he listen… noooo" Hiccup could hear her mutter before the previous statement sank in.

"Wait what?! Dad tried to set me up?" Hiccup nearly shouted as Astrid just blinked at the situation. Stoick came into the dining room followed by a tall man with slicked back black graying hair, a red haired woman and a black haired girl.

"Valka, Hiccup, Astrid, I'd like you to meet my colleague Dr. Mckinney, and his wife Amelia and their daughter Suzanne." Stoick introduced nervously.

The Mckinney's greeted their hosts and Stoick asked them all to take a seat while he went to fetch dinner from the kitchen. Somehow Hiccup ended up seated with Astrid to his left and Suzanne to his right.

"So tell me Astrid what do you do?" Mr. Mckinney asked a little pompously. "My little girl here is already a junior in medical school. She's following in her father's footsteps." He laughed.

"Well sir I happen to write mystery novels." Astrid stated as she looked Mr. Mckinney straight in the eye, already not liking his attitude.

"Writing novels?" Suzanne now spoke up as Hiccup's dad entered with the food. "That seems like such a simple job."

"Oh but I can assure you it isn't." Astrid said with a smile plastered on her face. Hiccup knew that smile, what followed was him usually getting the first aid kit for the poor unfortunate soul who disrespected his girlfriend's hard work.

"And what sort of troubles do you run into in your line of work Astrid?" Valka now asked.

"It's mostly working out the storyboard, meeting deadlines and saving Hiccup from getting kidnapped."

"KIDNAPPED?!" The entire table now shouted as they looked at Astrid.

"How do you think we met?" Hiccup whispered under his breath.

"Dear whatever do you mean by kidnapped?" Valka now asked looking worried.

"Oh it's nothing dangerous honest." Astrid laughed. "I sometimes don't meet my deadlines and my editor, Heather, thought she found a new way to motivate me. So she and her goons kidnapped Hiccup and stated they wouldn't give him back until I finished the drafts."

"Well I'm sure you getting your brother back was some motivation." Suzanne said as all eyes turned to her.

"Suzanne… Astrid is my girlfriend, not my sister." Hiccup explained to the woman who simply lifted an eyebrow.

Stoick coughed a little uncomfortably and then asked "So you met your deadlines that time?" This however caused Hiccup to stop eating and start laughing.

"Dad…. trust me. You don't want to know what happened."

"I think we're all interested to know?" Suzanne now stated as she was looking at Astrid weirdly.

"Right" Hiccup mumbled. "Well I was taken to the editorial office where Heather works. Apparently her brother owns it. So there I am sitting in a chair and having the weirdest conversation of my life while being served scones when Astrid barges in, dressed in a fluffy pink colored bathrobe and flamingo shaped shoes with her cactus in one hand and the ransom letter in the other. I don't think I ever saw Heather and the rest of the office so freaked out. It was one of the only times that I had to shout 'No Honey! Put the cactus down!'."

The table was silent for a bit until Hiccup's parents bursted into guffaws over the tale while astrid was blushing a bit. The Mckinney's stayed silent however.

"You didn't have to tell them about the flamingo slippers." She mumbled.

"Oh honey you know they look cute on you." Hiccup told her causing her to blush more.

"Well now Hiccup" Suzanne said as she not so discreetly placed her hand on his thigh under the table. "Maybe we can get to know each other better." She leaned in and whispered in his ear "You can do so much better than some writer."

Hiccup not so discreetly moved Suzanne's hand off of his thigh and then he felt Astrid's piercing gaze. The hairs on his neck stood on edge. He knew that gaze. It was the one which meant 'keep your paws off'. The same glare she sent him when he was eyeing her last cup of her favorite pudding. Hiccup in that instance was very glad that Astrid had left Stormfly at home.

"I'm sorry Suzanne there must have been a misunderstanding." Hiccup said as he tried to diffuse the situation. "I'm in a serious relationship with Astrid and I don't plan on leaving her." But Suzanne however didn't get the message as she pressed onward. Everyone at the table turned to see what would happen.

"Now come on Hiccup, surely you can do better than some no name writer." Suzanne stated as she sent her own glare at Astrid. Meanwhile Valka was facepalming.

"Actually no" Hiccup stated. "Astrid is the girl I love."

"You love me?" Astrid whispered as her eyes widened.

"Yes I do Astrid." Hiccup confessed.

"I love you too!" She said and proceeded to passionately kiss him right there at the dinner table.

"Auww!" Valka gushed as Hiccup and Astrid kissed. Her head and everybody else's however snapped up to Mrs. Mckinney who uttered "the boy clearly has no taste."

"Excuse me what did you say about my son?!" Valka now shouted.

"Well to obviously pass over my Suzanne shows that he has poor taste." The woman huffed.

"Oh no you didn't!" Valka exclaimed as she stood up and glowered at the woman. Astrid was giving the woman her own death glare.

"Mom" Hiccup said while his dad said "Sweetheart" at the same time to try and and calm her down. That however wasn't happening.

"No one! And I mean no one! Insults my baby and his partner in front of me!" Valka exclaimed before grabbing the cactus Astrid had given her and pointing it at Mrs. Mckinney.

"MOM!" Hiccup exclaimed as he already knew how this was going to go. Heck, he might as well go and get the first aid kit now.

"VALKA FOR THE LOVE OF THOR PUT DOWN THE CACTUS!" was what his dad frantically shouted as he knew of his wife's temper. It all fell on deaf ears however as the Mckinney's scooted away and ran out the door with Valka chasing after them, cactus in hand and shouting a warcry.

The entire neighbourhood heard the commotion, only to witness their usually gentle neighbour chasing after some people with a cactus. Her husband was following behind her shouting "VALKA SHOW SOME MERCY PLEASE! I STILL NEED HIM IN THE OFFICE ON MONDAY!"

 **-The End-**


End file.
